HEALING or... The Process of.

Welp.

You know that saying ...."life is a journey... Enjoy the ride..." or the one about "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... its learning to dance in the rain..." Beautiful quotes right? .... right.... Well here's a saying from the wise mouth of Heidi Corinne: Life is hard. Sometimes I don't want to dance. Sometimes I just want to lie in my bed with a whole bag of Hershey kisses watching mindlessly many episodes of pointless T.V. shows that will definitely change me for the better. I mean, trying to figure out the next clue in Sherlock will definitely bring me closer to finding the answers to life's big questions.

In answer to a question you might be thinking: YES. I have hit a roadblock. It's fine. I like to think of life as a road. I know which road I WANT to take, I THINK I know how to get on that road- but everytime I try to turn onto it- there is construction happening. Typical. Especially in Utah. I have to take detour after detour which then makes me u-turn and it's just the most frustrating experience. Not to mention all the of the other lovely drivers or should I say distractions that are also on MY road. HMMPPHH *insert face palm here*

Next question: How did I get here. You see, my mom and dad loved each other very much... oh wait... wrong how did I get HERE. There I was, minding my own business, when The Lord thought "You know, Heidi needs some humbling... what on earth can we do to help her have a softened heart?" So, for those that read my LAST blog post.. which was about sixth months ago- (I am REALLY good at this thing) You all know that I had a baby. He wasn't just any baby though. I knew from the get go he was going to be something special. It wasn't the fact that I while I was pregnant and in the middle of an important conversation, he would kick me on the right side of my body so hard my arm would jolt up. Or the fact of him doing gymnastics in what I used to call my abs of steel (or something like that).  I had a bond with the little one. Whether I liked it or not. It was there. Sometimes I would have a dance party, by myself, to teach him the importance of rhythm and to be silly- which I still do constantly. Other times I would pray out loud, so he could hear my prayers that I would have on his behalf. I tried my very best to not get attached to him. He was Kristin and Alan's baby. He was always meant for them. I was just the way he was to come into this world. No strings attached. PSYCH. There ARE strings attached. The ones that are CONNECTED TO MY HEART.

I never shared the aftermath of giving him to them. It was a beautiful, tender moment. God's presence was definitely there. In my mind it allllllll makes sense (emphasis on ALL).  But try telling my heart that. I jumped right back into my old role. Fulfill church calling, check. Enjoy singles ward, check. Kill it at work, check. Flirt with boys, check. Exercise like crazy, check. Eat perfectly, check. Serve, serve, serve. Check. No time for tears. No time for pain. I will heal MY way- which is NOT dealing with feelings. Who has time for that? Psh, not this girl. How can I feel pain for a situation that was perfectly placed together for the adoptive family? That's extremely selfish of me.

Then one day, not too long ago, the feelings I had so well suppressed for months ran me over like a freight train. OUCH. I was controlling everything in my life so perfectly and so knit-picky that I failed to see that I was not allowing myself to grieve. So here's the deal. I am wanting to heal. I am wanting to move through this. Because of that I am hoping that the things I am learning along the way will help others out there too.

Here's the RAW truth: how am I doing? Not good.
Why not? I want to be "over" this experience, my sub-conscious and conscious have a constant battle of get over it Heidi and get through it Heidi. I have developed a binging eating disorder that destroys me. For those that know me, fitness and health are very important to me- I can't seem to control this. Why do I have another challenge to face when I have unresolved feelings on the line?!  I have moments I can't get out of bed. I don't dare leave the house. I can't get motivated. I just hurt. BUT here's some more truth for you:

"The first words Jesus spoke in His majestic Sermon on the Mount were to the troubled, the discouraged and downhearted. “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” He said, “for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”¹ Whether you are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or among the tens of thousands listening this morning who are not of our faith, I speak to those who are facing personal trials and family struggles, those who endure conflicts fought in the lonely foxholes of the heart, those trying to hold back floodwaters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair.

To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry, and He said it in the end. He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” - Broken things to mend- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland April 2006 General Conference

Although I have pleaded with my Heavenly Father to take away the burden of this eating disorder- and to heal me quickly, because I don't have time to be sad, He reminds me to have patience. See, he has the blueprints to our lives. He knows that a little detour here or there will create a smoother road for us in the future, one that will allow for a more enjoyable journey. Don't get me wrong, I hate being slowed down from where my goals are and what I am wanting to be- but that's just the thing, Heavenly Father knows us to our perfect version and he's going to lead us there. Even if it hurts- He's won't let us down. 

Here's to the pain

Here's to the heartache

Here's to the sorrow

Here's to the love

Here's to the life

Here's to the laughter

Here's to the strife 

Thanks Be to God.

Don't lose faith in your creator. He doesn't make mistakes. He never leaves us alone. It's just a test. If I can make it, so can you. Overcoming my obstacles won't be easy- but He will carry us through our burdens and give us rest.