HEALING or... The Process of.

Welp.

You know that saying ...."life is a journey... Enjoy the ride..." or the one about "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... its learning to dance in the rain..." Beautiful quotes right? .... right.... Well here's a saying from the wise mouth of Heidi Corinne: Life is hard. Sometimes I don't want to dance. Sometimes I just want to lie in my bed with a whole bag of Hershey kisses watching mindlessly many episodes of pointless T.V. shows that will definitely change me for the better. I mean, trying to figure out the next clue in Sherlock will definitely bring me closer to finding the answers to life's big questions.

In answer to a question you might be thinking: YES. I have hit a roadblock. It's fine. I like to think of life as a road. I know which road I WANT to take, I THINK I know how to get on that road- but everytime I try to turn onto it- there is construction happening. Typical. Especially in Utah. I have to take detour after detour which then makes me u-turn and it's just the most frustrating experience. Not to mention all the of the other lovely drivers or should I say distractions that are also on MY road. HMMPPHH *insert face palm here*

Next question: How did I get here. You see, my mom and dad loved each other very much... oh wait... wrong how did I get HERE. There I was, minding my own business, when The Lord thought "You know, Heidi needs some humbling... what on earth can we do to help her have a softened heart?" So, for those that read my LAST blog post.. which was about sixth months ago- (I am REALLY good at this thing) You all know that I had a baby. He wasn't just any baby though. I knew from the get go he was going to be something special. It wasn't the fact that I while I was pregnant and in the middle of an important conversation, he would kick me on the right side of my body so hard my arm would jolt up. Or the fact of him doing gymnastics in what I used to call my abs of steel (or something like that).  I had a bond with the little one. Whether I liked it or not. It was there. Sometimes I would have a dance party, by myself, to teach him the importance of rhythm and to be silly- which I still do constantly. Other times I would pray out loud, so he could hear my prayers that I would have on his behalf. I tried my very best to not get attached to him. He was Kristin and Alan's baby. He was always meant for them. I was just the way he was to come into this world. No strings attached. PSYCH. There ARE strings attached. The ones that are CONNECTED TO MY HEART.

I never shared the aftermath of giving him to them. It was a beautiful, tender moment. God's presence was definitely there. In my mind it allllllll makes sense (emphasis on ALL).  But try telling my heart that. I jumped right back into my old role. Fulfill church calling, check. Enjoy singles ward, check. Kill it at work, check. Flirt with boys, check. Exercise like crazy, check. Eat perfectly, check. Serve, serve, serve. Check. No time for tears. No time for pain. I will heal MY way- which is NOT dealing with feelings. Who has time for that? Psh, not this girl. How can I feel pain for a situation that was perfectly placed together for the adoptive family? That's extremely selfish of me.

Then one day, not too long ago, the feelings I had so well suppressed for months ran me over like a freight train. OUCH. I was controlling everything in my life so perfectly and so knit-picky that I failed to see that I was not allowing myself to grieve. So here's the deal. I am wanting to heal. I am wanting to move through this. Because of that I am hoping that the things I am learning along the way will help others out there too.

Here's the RAW truth: how am I doing? Not good.
Why not? I want to be "over" this experience, my sub-conscious and conscious have a constant battle of get over it Heidi and get through it Heidi. I have developed a binging eating disorder that destroys me. For those that know me, fitness and health are very important to me- I can't seem to control this. Why do I have another challenge to face when I have unresolved feelings on the line?!  I have moments I can't get out of bed. I don't dare leave the house. I can't get motivated. I just hurt. BUT here's some more truth for you:

"The first words Jesus spoke in His majestic Sermon on the Mount were to the troubled, the discouraged and downhearted. “Blessed are the poor in spirit,” He said, “for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”¹ Whether you are members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints or among the tens of thousands listening this morning who are not of our faith, I speak to those who are facing personal trials and family struggles, those who endure conflicts fought in the lonely foxholes of the heart, those trying to hold back floodwaters of despair that sometimes wash over us like a tsunami of the soul. I wish to speak particularly to you who feel your lives are broken, seemingly beyond repair.

To all such I offer the surest and sweetest remedy that I know. It is found in the clarion call the Savior of the world Himself gave. He said it in the beginning of His ministry, and He said it in the end. He said it to believers, and He said it to those who were not so sure. He said to everyone, whatever their personal problems might be:

“Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” - Broken things to mend- Elder Jeffrey R. Holland April 2006 General Conference

Although I have pleaded with my Heavenly Father to take away the burden of this eating disorder- and to heal me quickly, because I don't have time to be sad, He reminds me to have patience. See, he has the blueprints to our lives. He knows that a little detour here or there will create a smoother road for us in the future, one that will allow for a more enjoyable journey. Don't get me wrong, I hate being slowed down from where my goals are and what I am wanting to be- but that's just the thing, Heavenly Father knows us to our perfect version and he's going to lead us there. Even if it hurts- He's won't let us down. 

Here's to the pain

Here's to the heartache

Here's to the sorrow

Here's to the love

Here's to the life

Here's to the laughter

Here's to the strife 

Thanks Be to God.

Don't lose faith in your creator. He doesn't make mistakes. He never leaves us alone. It's just a test. If I can make it, so can you. Overcoming my obstacles won't be easy- but He will carry us through our burdens and give us rest. 

True love and what I have learned

For nine months all I could think about was the exercise routine I was going to have, the social scene I was going to return to and what life was going to be like "moving forward" but now that he was here none of that mattered. All I wanted was him. I wanted him to have happiness, all the love he could be given and to be protected from this world. That's why I chose the decision I did.That's why I decided to give my son a life he rightfully deserved. 

When I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. I wasn't that "type of girl" I never would have imagined myself making a choice like that. But I did. I didn't think I would become pregnant. After all, it was just "one time". But soon I realized that one choice I made too quickly would impact my life forever. 

My body started readjusting to the new addition immediately. I felt something was different but refused to think I was pregnant. There was no way. It couldn't happen to me. I prayed to my father in heaven pleading that this circumstance wouldn't be the one I would have to face. I told him that I couldn't be pregnant. I asked for a different experience to help me learn. My prayer was answered with a thought that came to my mind. "Sometimes the answer is no". 

I finally swallowed my pride, went to the store and bought a test, which instantly flashed "yes!" Most women would be overjoyed with this response, but my heart dropped. I was not in the right place nor the right time to be in a situation that should be beautiful. I felt alone and afraid at how my life was going to be, what people would say, and what would happen next.

I assumed with time, the process would be easier to go through. I felt I was strong and could handle this. No problem. Boy- was I wrong. Each week presented a new challenge. I found myself frequently on my knees praying desperately for help- pleading with my loving Heavenly Father that He would stay close By me and lift the world I felt I was carrying on my shoulders.
I found a conference talk by Elder Holland that has brought me much needed solace-

"When Adam and Eve willingly stepped into mortality, they knew this telestial world would contain thorns and thistles and troubles of every kind. Perhaps their most challenging realization, however, was not the hardship and danger they would endure but the fact that they would now be distanced from God, separated from Him with whom they had walked and talked, who had given them face-to-face counsel. After this conscious choice, as the record of creation says, “they saw him not; for they were shut out from his presence.” Amidst all else that must have troubled them, surely this must have troubled them the most.
But God knew the challenges they would face, and He certainly knew how lonely and troubled they would sometimes feel. So He watched over His mortal family constantly, heard their prayers always, and sent prophets (and later apostles) to teach, counsel, and guide them. But in times of special need, He sent angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven was always very close and that His help was always very near."
-2008 LDS General Conference


Just two short days ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He came into this world at a small six pounds, nine ounces and twenty inches long. Tonight I will be giving him to a loving couple that was specifically picked by my Father in Heaven to raise him with those essential parts of the gospel I do not have access to at this point in my life. He will have the protection of the priesthood,
A mom AND a dad and a loving older brother. My heart is broken. I have never felt such an intense feeling of anguish and sorrow. I have come to understand the meaning of love in a form so pure and so Christlike. I know it's the right decision and that Heavenly Father will make weak things strong.
I wanted to testify that God never leaves us alone. He is VERY aware of each one of us. He hears our prayers and answers them. He sent his son Jesus Christ into this weary world so that when we make mistakes and feel pain he would Be able run to our aid and wipe Away our tears. Although this is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do- my family has helped me through. I love them tremendously.
I have received much support from people I work with, people in my ward, past roommates and angels that have been sent on a mission to lift my weary spirit. I love My Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. They will never abandon us.

22 lessons in 22 years :)

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Tonight. It is definitely the last night I can legitimately sing "I'm feelin' 22!" (Thanks, T Swift).  I am turning the ripe old age of twenty-three tomorrow. Yes. Me, Heidi Corinne Dymock, made it a whole TWENTY-TWO years without incident. Okay, that was a fabrication. I may or may not have, but certainly have learned a lesson or two. (Lets hope anyhow). I have decided, that it would most definitely be selfish to keep all the lovely lessons learned to myself. So you, yes you poor soul, are about to have an insight to a day in a life of Heidi. Are you prepared? Please keep arms and legs inside the car at all times, fasten your seat belt, and... enjoy the ride.


Lesson #1
No matter how hard you try- You will never be as cute as you once were, you know, as a child. Even if you have a face only a mother can love, people will still gawk at how darling you are. Those were the days... *sigh...*

Lesson #2
At one point or another, your parents were very pleased to claim you as their own.

Lesson #3
If you have an October birthday, you at least, will have ONE dress up party. You will enjoy it.



Lesson #4
You will never quite grow out of the "awkward phase" ...or yours might last a really, really, really long time. Even now....

Lesson #5
You might have had more fashion sense as a five year-old then a twenty-two year-old.

Lesson #6
You cannot marry your cousin. Wha! No... YES! Sorry to break it to you.

Lesson #7
No matter how many tears are shed, and tantrums are thrown, you will not be successful in convincing your dad to be a BYU Cougar Fan.

 Lesson #8
 You siblings will indeed become your best friends.

 Lesson #9
Even if your mom says so, some haircuts do
NOT work for you...

Lesson #10
Mom's cooking is something that should BE APPRECIATED, and NOT taken for granted! Everything she cooks is amazing!

Lesson #11
You will figure out how to do laundry... lets hope so anyway...

Lesson #12
Growing up is hard to do. Not because of those annoying growing pains, and awful phases of life we all go through, but because priorities change, and people move on.

Lesson #13
You will have your  heart broken, and guess what? It definitely will heal, and you will learn how to love to a deeper level after the fact.

Lesson #14
Responsibility always comes. You either need to accept the fact its time to jump on that wagon of having some, or just let life pass you by.

Lesson #15
God created tears, so that when words couldn't describe how we were feeling, tears could.

Lesson #16
You will always have a number one fan. Even if you don't think so.


Lesson #17
You can do hard things!

Lesson #18
You will learn that having a trial here, or there, is actually good for you. I mean, may I remind you that we ALL graduated wearing Velcro shoes.. yes, it was hard finding the rabbit ears, but eventually you figured out how to tie your shoelaces. Now, you are a pro! It was a long, tedious process, but aren't you grateful gaining the knowledge you learned? Nailed it.


Lesson #19
We all come from different backgrounds and may have different beliefs, but we are all children of a loving Heavenly Father.

Lesson #20
 Life is about learning how to be happy NOW. Wha... crazy, right? YEAH! It's not about wishing for a lot of tomorrow's. Or.... "I can't wait for when..." It's about living in the PRESENT. Don't worry about tomorrow, because you get to live TODAY.

 



Lesson #21
There is always someone else who needs you. Your small sacrifices here or there can make a HUGE difference in someone's life.

Lesson #22
Sometimes, wait... let me try again. MOST times, life doesn't go according to plan. And.... that's okay We have a very loving Heavenly Father who knows what our needs are. No matter how many times I think I am right about something, he always shows me that my plan might be good. No- better. But he has what is BEST in store for me.

I am EXTREMELY blessed. I have two amazing parents. I have four siblings, a sister-in-law, a brother-in-law, two nephews, one niece, and a doting dog. I live with five of the best girls, and am in arguably the best ward. I have a job that keeps me busy, and am a member of The Church Of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day-Saints. These past twenty-two years have been, amazing, difficult, overwhelming, involved, irritating, wonderful, pleasant, sad, breath-taking, and I would not take them back for anything. Well world, here's to another year :) Cheers. 

Have a REAL Merry Christmas

Mmmhmm, I love Christmas time. I mean what is there not to love? People have a reason to be nice to each other, families makes an effort to get together, and for once, people really focus on serving others. But lets be honest, as I have grown some of the "magic" has almost left. I mean I think some big shot store might try to copywrite the usage of the word Christmas. Everywhere we look, its more about making money, and less about the real reason of why we even celebrate Christmas. For me, Its been discouraging. It frustrates me when stores started opening Thanksgiving day to get that "90% off for the next thirty seconds" sale in. Where are the priorities? Looking back on the Christmases I have been apart of, I honestly don't remember what I received every year, but I DO remember when my family decided to do the "12 days of Christmas" for a family in my ward. I also remember when my uncle suggested we go feed the homeless on Christmas Eve, and how that changed my perspective on what mattered. As Christmas is approaching quickly this year, I was so glad for the annual devotional hosted by the first presidency. President Monson commented this year:

"I, with you, have witnessed during the past few days and weeks what has become over the years the annual commercialization of Christmas. I am saddened to see Christmas becoming less and less about Christ and more and more about marketing and sales, parties and presents.

And yet, Christmas is what we make of it. Despite all the distractions, we can see to it that Christ is at the center of our celebration. If we have not already done so, we can establish Christmas traditions for ourselves and for our families which will help us capture and keep the spirit of Christmas."
I was talking to a friend this past week who works in retail. He has stated before, that working in retail has made him dread the holidays. However while I was talking  to him on this occasion, he said that he started feeling the Christmas spirit again as he was shopping and making presents for his younger brother. He commented that it made him excited to think about how his brother is going to  react on Christmas Eve. Another experience that recently happened that touched my heart: my younger sister is a member of the choir at Orem High School, and they are going to Disneyland this year to compete. The cost of the trip was out of the family budget, which was a disappointment to my sister. Tonight however, an anonymous
friend left a note at the doorstep saying that her trip to Disneyland was paid in full. I cannot imagine the sacrifice that this person went through in order to help my sister. I hope, and challenge you, that this Christmas, we can put CHRIST back into Christmas. I hope that we together can have charity and look for opportunities to serve one another, so we can remember how we felt GIVING instead of GETTING. I love this time of year, and am grateful for it. PLease take time and watch these clips: (copy and paste to open!)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3PFIam4QTcM&feature=relmfu
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tXXwtFWpAI8http://youtu.be/RM8XoT7qnxY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RM8XoT7qnxY

Who in the world is Heidi Corinne Dymock?

Hmm. What an interesting question. Who really knows who Heidi Corinne Dymock is, and what she is all about? Well.. I have blue eyes, and blonde hair.. My hair grows.. daily... I shower once a day. I  like talking... A LOT. Eating warm homemade bread makes my heart (and tummy) smile.. Disappointing people makes me sad. Validation is the  best gift anyone can give me..

So my next question is this: With so many people in the world (there is about seven billion and counting) How can I, Heidi Corinne Dymock, be remembered? How can I stand from the crowd? How can, with all the traffic, chaos, and noise, how can I be remembered and WHY am I being remembered by My Heavenly Father?

For those of you who are currently keeping up with my life, you know that I just recently moved back down from Oregon. I had been living there for the past two and a half years. It was awesome. I had my own amazing apartment, boyfriend, and I had been promoted at my job. Life was fine. It was just grand. I had no want to change anything. I was content. But, my life wasn't designed to be JUST content. I wasn't supposed to be where I was. My Heavenly father knew that, and so did I... deep down in my heart. You see, there is a big plan for us. Its very personal, but connected altogether. Whether we like it or not our plan may not always be the RIGHT plan. We may try to do our own little thing for a while but, when its time to get down to business, things fall into place. Let me give you a timeline:

October 15th ishh : Wake up from a nightmare, thought comes to mind: you need to move back to utah.
October 30th: Talk to a store manager from the bank I work at who was in my ward: asking how to transfer branches. Find out you can't "transfer" but you look to see if any locations are hiring, apply, get interviewed see if it'll work for you, and for the management. That night I see If any locations in the Utah County area are hiring, one in Provo is. Applied for the position.
November 4th: Hired on at the provo location, also find out they are able to match my previous pay.
(minimum wage in Utah is about a dollar less than in Oregon.. you do the math)
November 18th: Start date in Provo, Utah


Now I don't know about you.. but this wasn't in MY plan. I think I was being guided.. or pushed a little bit, don't you? :) There were even more experiences during that time, that made me understand more, that I am a Daughter of a LOVING Heavenly Father. He hears my prayers, even when there are seven billion people praying all the time. He still makes it known to me that He hears me. He loves me, and he will guide me to know what is the best thing for me.

I also had a very painful experience happen to me during this process. My boyfriend and I of two years and counting broke up. It hasn't been the easiest experience for me seeing that after all that time I kinda love him.. just a little bit at least.. See thats another thing about that Heidi Dymock girl, I have a big heart. and I am a cry baby. haha But  I am here to tell you, that if you trust in God, knowing that He has full control of your life, knowing that He will never lead you astray, you will be sustained. Especially in those hard times, where you wonder if you'll be able to smile even when you're feeling that deep heartache. Whatever it may be.

I know that we will never be forgotten. I know that He knows that I am Heidi Corinne, and that I love mac n cheese and hot chocolate. Or that I love chick flicks, or I get way into sports and sometimes have to remove myself so I will stop yelling at the ref's through the TV. I know that this is true! Thanks for letting me share it with you! :)

THE BIG TWO-ONE

October 18th, 1990, was a beautiful, amazing, most wonderful, joyous occasion. Heidi Corinne Dymock was born. The world would never ever be the same. This lovely bombshell blond was born to the world's greatest parents. Paul and Shirlene. Man, how could other parents even compete with this one hit wonder (Heidi)
Because it's such a loverly day, I thought as the birthday girl, it is my duty to show the awesomeness (yes I made up that word I think) of the life I have been living.

TOP FIVE BIRTHDAYS
5.)  2nd Birthday, I remember absolutely everything about this day! (sarcasm) The only thing I DO remember
 is that I had a kick-butt good cake.
4.) 10th birthday, first "boy-girl" party, I went bowling, and man, I was kind of a big deal. Don't worry, I one, or at least that's what I told everybody.
3.) 12th birthday: Highlights? It was a girls-only birthday which meant, MAKE-OVERS! And of course we had to hire professionals (aka my dad, and my sister) to transfer our delightful faces into beautiful master-pieces. Don't worry about it, we then chased the boys that lived in our neighborhood, to show them how HAWT we really were.
2.) 18th birthday: VEGAS! HECK YES! I went with some friends for the weekend and it was a parrrrtayy! The drive down included a two hour traffic jam, and definitely playing some Chinese fire drill! We saw the blue man group, went shopping, and had some boys hooting and hollering! Note to self: don't look back when boys call after you. Got it.
1.) Guess you will have to stay tuned until I have an even better birthday! ha!

Today however was a really good birthday. I was definitely feeling the love from all my facebook friends.  I am grateful for all my family and friends. Great memories, yeah? Listed below I will show you some pictures of the awesome gifts I received today.

 Don't worry, Josh bought me some adult diapers, you know since I am getting old and stuff ;-) Flowers, courtesy of Mom, Dad, Ryan, Leah, Keith, and Kelliane. Cards from grandparents :) Thank you!

 Oh! That's me! Thanks again Fam!

 Um, this cake, was uh made by me.. Lets just say I won't start a cake business :)
Thanks for sharing my birthday with me. I hope you enjoyed my little ramblings! :)
Some more pictures for your pleasure!