Saturday, September 13, 2014
True love and what I have learned
For nine months all I could think about was the exercise routine I was going to have, the social scene I was going to return to and what life was going to be like "moving forward" but now that he was here none of that mattered. All I wanted was him. I wanted him to have happiness, all the love he could be given and to be protected from this world. That's why I chose the decision I did.That's why I decided to give my son a life he rightfully deserved.
When I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. I wasn't that "type of girl" I never would have imagined myself making a choice like that. But I did. I didn't think I would become pregnant. After all, it was just "one time". But soon I realized that one choice I made too quickly would impact my life forever.
My body started readjusting to the new addition immediately. I felt something was different but refused to think I was pregnant. There was no way. It couldn't happen to me. I prayed to my father in heaven pleading that this circumstance wouldn't be the one I would have to face. I told him that I couldn't be pregnant. I asked for a different experience to help me learn. My prayer was answered with a thought that came to my mind. "Sometimes the answer is no".
I finally swallowed my pride, went to the store and bought a test, which instantly flashed "yes!" Most women would be overjoyed with this response, but my heart dropped. I was not in the right place nor the right time to be in a situation that should be beautiful. I felt alone and afraid at how my life was going to be, what people would say, and what would happen next.
I assumed with time, the process would be easier to go through. I felt I was strong and could handle this. No problem. Boy- was I wrong. Each week presented a new challenge. I found myself frequently on my knees praying desperately for help- pleading with my loving Heavenly Father that He would stay close By me and lift the world I felt I was carrying on my shoulders.
I found a conference talk by Elder Holland that has brought me much needed solace-
"When Adam and Eve willingly stepped into mortality, they knew this telestial world would contain thorns and thistles and troubles of every kind. Perhaps their most challenging realization, however, was not the hardship and danger they would endure but the fact that they would now be distanced from God, separated from Him with whom they had walked and talked, who had given them face-to-face counsel. After this conscious choice, as the record of creation says, “they saw him not; for they were shut out from his presence.” Amidst all else that must have troubled them, surely this must have troubled them the most.
But God knew the challenges they would face, and He certainly knew how lonely and troubled they would sometimes feel. So He watched over His mortal family constantly, heard their prayers always, and sent prophets (and later apostles) to teach, counsel, and guide them. But in times of special need, He sent angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven was always very close and that His help was always very near."
-2008 LDS General Conference
Just two short days ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He came into this world at a small six pounds, nine ounces and twenty inches long. Tonight I will be giving him to a loving couple that was specifically picked by my Father in Heaven to raise him with those essential parts of the gospel I do not have access to at this point in my life. He will have the protection of the priesthood,
A mom AND a dad and a loving older brother. My heart is broken. I have never felt such an intense feeling of anguish and sorrow. I have come to understand the meaning of love in a form so pure and so Christlike. I know it's the right decision and that Heavenly Father will make weak things strong.
I wanted to testify that God never leaves us alone. He is VERY aware of each one of us. He hears our prayers and answers them. He sent his son Jesus Christ into this weary world so that when we make mistakes and feel pain he would Be able run to our aid and wipe Away our tears. Although this is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do- my family has helped me through. I love them tremendously.
I have received much support from people I work with, people in my ward, past roommates and angels that have been sent on a mission to lift my weary spirit. I love My Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. They will never abandon us.
When I found out I was pregnant I was devastated. I wasn't that "type of girl" I never would have imagined myself making a choice like that. But I did. I didn't think I would become pregnant. After all, it was just "one time". But soon I realized that one choice I made too quickly would impact my life forever.
My body started readjusting to the new addition immediately. I felt something was different but refused to think I was pregnant. There was no way. It couldn't happen to me. I prayed to my father in heaven pleading that this circumstance wouldn't be the one I would have to face. I told him that I couldn't be pregnant. I asked for a different experience to help me learn. My prayer was answered with a thought that came to my mind. "Sometimes the answer is no".
I finally swallowed my pride, went to the store and bought a test, which instantly flashed "yes!" Most women would be overjoyed with this response, but my heart dropped. I was not in the right place nor the right time to be in a situation that should be beautiful. I felt alone and afraid at how my life was going to be, what people would say, and what would happen next.
I assumed with time, the process would be easier to go through. I felt I was strong and could handle this. No problem. Boy- was I wrong. Each week presented a new challenge. I found myself frequently on my knees praying desperately for help- pleading with my loving Heavenly Father that He would stay close By me and lift the world I felt I was carrying on my shoulders.
I found a conference talk by Elder Holland that has brought me much needed solace-
"When Adam and Eve willingly stepped into mortality, they knew this telestial world would contain thorns and thistles and troubles of every kind. Perhaps their most challenging realization, however, was not the hardship and danger they would endure but the fact that they would now be distanced from God, separated from Him with whom they had walked and talked, who had given them face-to-face counsel. After this conscious choice, as the record of creation says, “they saw him not; for they were shut out from his presence.” Amidst all else that must have troubled them, surely this must have troubled them the most.
But God knew the challenges they would face, and He certainly knew how lonely and troubled they would sometimes feel. So He watched over His mortal family constantly, heard their prayers always, and sent prophets (and later apostles) to teach, counsel, and guide them. But in times of special need, He sent angels, divine messengers, to bless His children, reassure them that heaven was always very close and that His help was always very near."
-2008 LDS General Conference
Just two short days ago, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. He came into this world at a small six pounds, nine ounces and twenty inches long. Tonight I will be giving him to a loving couple that was specifically picked by my Father in Heaven to raise him with those essential parts of the gospel I do not have access to at this point in my life. He will have the protection of the priesthood,
A mom AND a dad and a loving older brother. My heart is broken. I have never felt such an intense feeling of anguish and sorrow. I have come to understand the meaning of love in a form so pure and so Christlike. I know it's the right decision and that Heavenly Father will make weak things strong.
I wanted to testify that God never leaves us alone. He is VERY aware of each one of us. He hears our prayers and answers them. He sent his son Jesus Christ into this weary world so that when we make mistakes and feel pain he would Be able run to our aid and wipe Away our tears. Although this is by far the hardest thing I've ever had to do- my family has helped me through. I love them tremendously.
I have received much support from people I work with, people in my ward, past roommates and angels that have been sent on a mission to lift my weary spirit. I love My Heavenly Father and his son Jesus Christ. They will never abandon us.
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